Life Is Like a Box of Horoscopes! (Your February Horoscope is Here)

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej

Can we just do a temperature check in this room? Did everyone else feel like they were LITERALLY LOSING THE INSIDES OF THEIR BRAINS during the last week of January, right before February 1st?

I’m gonna blame the buildup in the atmosphere on the blood moon. I’m gonna blame the buildup in my hair on using oat milk as a conditioner for no good reason other than the internet. And I’m going to blame the delay in the horoscopes on no one other than myself if I don’t start writing soon, so let’s get into it (ya big buffoon).

You know the drill: I skim Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone, condense them down and report back to you. These are shorter than normal but no less normal than normal, if you know what I mean. Am I lucid while doing so? Maybe the more important question to ask is: What kind of bird are you? 


Hello Aquarium of my dreams (which definitely has one of these in it), how are you and happy birthday!!!!!!!! The main thing you need to know per Suz: “The new family of eclipses in Leo and Aquarius are back now, and they will pick up the conversation that you likely started last August 2017.” A boring sentence to copy/paste, but there we are. Thriller seems to think the conversations were surrounding ~*love*~ (how apropos, given our February theme), so please do gossip below in the comments and tell me where you left off with the DTR.

Speaking of “what are we,” the solar eclipse of February 15th will prompt you to make a decision about your future that you’ve been chewing on since the summer. It’s a positive eclipse, which means this is gonna be the right move. Seems like you’re going to get rich while you’re at it (birthday cards suddenly more lucrative than ever before). You’re also wildly popular this month, so don’t mind me, I’ll just be hanging out inside your cake in hopes of having what you’re having. Breakfast of champs.


Hi, peach Pisces. In all our years together, I don’t think I’ve ever switched up the fruit. THAT CHANGES TODAY. You might be banana cream Pisces next month, so watch out, world.

We just had an eclipse, and we will have an eclipse: new moon solar eclipse in Aquarius on February 15th, to be specific. Uranus (I’m watching this space documentary on Netflix — taking me for damn ever because I fall asleep two minutes into any and every movie or car ride, but anyway, the scientists in it keep pronouncing Uranus as yer-an-uhs and I keep wanting to be like errr, pretty sure it’s pronounced your anus but whatever)…so Uranus is the the ruler of Aquarius, and for once the planet of butts isn’t being an asshole. It’s happy! This means you’re about to have a bunch of talks that need to stay secret, BUT they are going to be very exciting for your career. Big month for your career in general. And on February 10th, Susan Thriller wants you to go shopping. Don’t have to ask me twice. I’m already there; mom said we can get sugar cereal.


It is as if Susan Miller reads Man Repeller because her predictions are so in line with our theme of LOVE this month!!! If you’re like, Zzz, love is BORING. I want an action movie! Then I’d be like, Look, Luke Skywalker, love IS boring, which is why Harling wrote about that. P.S., Mom, appears you were wrong with the whole “only boring people get bored” thing! Everybody does poop though — I will give you that. Where’s a Uranus joke when you need one?

The point, the point: The eclipse on January 31st and the one coming on the 15th are both set up to change your personal life in major ways. That first eclipse is going to influence your love life the month ahead, whether you’re single or solo. If you don’t want be in a partnership, don’t forget that being in a relationship with yourself always lends itself to improvement, so can I get three shouts for Galileo!

The second eclipse mostly predicts that you’re going to attend a fabulous party, but you never know who you could meet there who would change your world and re-up your already cool career. (Speaking of which, Susan says this: ” You are likely doing better than you think you are, for it seems you have been too critical of your own performance.”)

Oh and take a nap before March comes. Just a little five-minute snooze, even. It’ll give you the charge you need.


I FaceTimed with a 15-month-old (whatever with the years) this weekend, and she was telling me the noise cows made. I was like, “No doubt you’re super smart, but what sound does a taurus make?” Moo, apparently! I didn’t ask to trick her or anything — I just truly did not know.

What can I tell us about us? Well. This month is going to be home- and family-centric for us. We’ll be thinking about where we live and where we might want to move and all that sort of scary-but-also-exciting stuff. By the second eclipse of the 15th, the moon’s going to make shit a little bit more dramatic and create some exciting changes in our career. Yeeee-haw! “There is no doubt that this moment will be your biggest in 2018,” Susan writes. My takeaway there is to make sure I wear a really great pair of pants that day because how annoying would it be to be wearing the kind that give an uncomfortable wedge that interrupts my trying to focus on life-changing events.

Susan also notes we’ve been “spending quite a bit of money” lately (okay, Susan, I love you but don’t need the judgment! My cat does that for me, thanks) and thinks the job-related news could help act as a nice little salve to the spending. I won’t complain. Romantically, make-outs for everyone from February 11th to March 6th.


“This is due to be a magical, standout month, and one you will long remember,” writes Susan. Are you excited??

You’re scheduled to travel a ton this month, and Venus is in your 10th house of professional success, so perhaps you’re getting outta dodge for the sake of work. Your hardworking reputation is going to carry you through February and raise you up on eagles’ wings.

Let’s talk about LOVE, bug: Susan seems to think you’re going to fall in love with someone at work or adjacent to it, and she thinks this person’s going to be an artist. “Your love planet, Venus, and good fortune Jupiter will be in ideal sync March 1,” she writes, but “you will feel the glow of these two sparkling planets as they move into position, days before they hit the peak of their aspect.” Sounds like a line from a steamy novel if I ever heard one, so that’s promising!

Raise your hands in the comments, by the way, if you’re going to get drunk and go see the newest Fifty Shades of whatever the new movie’s called.


I got called crabby today so boy oh boy can I relate. Someone tried to eat my thumb meat and everything.

You might be crabby beyond the fact that you’re a celestial crab because you’ve been working so damn much. February is going to be even busier, so see now if you can hire or ask for additional help. But also, breathe because you’ll get through it. I PROMISE. Remember finals in college? None of us thought we’d get through those, and here we are.

All will feel truly worth it toward the end of the month when your career will be on fiyaaa and you’ll be gearing up for a great trip. “This full moon will be sugar and spice,” writes the Suz, “allowing you to spread your wings and experience a change of scene and change of pace.” That sounds nice, doesn’t it? Sounds like a piña colada is in your future to me.

If you can’t leave-leave, don’t forget: You can escape mentally. Sign up for a class you’ve been hankering to take as badly as I’ve been hankering to use the word hankering. Use this time to LEARN! Stock up now on all the books and podcasts you’ve wanted to consume that can Calgon, take-you-away to a far-away land. You’re going to be so happy to have them cozy and nearby come the end of February.


Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow! Attn: Leo lions, do all of you get that song stuck in your head too or just me? Let’s get into your ‘scopes because I’m sure you have bigger fish to fry and eat.

We’ve definitely talked about this before but if you’ve felt a lack of love in your life for the past few years, that’s on the mend. Saturn moved out of Sagittarius at the end of December and things are slowly getting better. Mars is now in your fifth house (must be nice!), ruling your love life and your baby life and your creativity until March 17th. Susan Thriller’s pretty confident this means some great love will fill your heart soon, if not some bow-chicka-ow-meow in your sheets. Don’t forget to self-love and self-care!

Romance isn’t the only thing that may have felt like a slog these past few years; home or family life could have been a real big UGH, too. But Jupiter, cute little sky-marble, giver of gifts and luck that he is, has moved on into this formerly-cranky area to light it up with joy until November 16th, 2018. “What a glorious turnaround your life has been taking,” says our girl. Me-ow!


Shout out to all my Virgos who can and can’t drive! You’re in a nesting mode right now which sounds so damn cozy it hurts my heart. Enjoy it. Tell me what color you’re painting your risky accent wall.

I’m sick of typing and need a break so allow me to hand the mic to Susan: “The new moon solar eclipse on February 15 will touch off changes in your workplace, for the eclipse will fall in your sixth house of assignments and tasks. Opportunities will come up to learn new methods and skills, for a solar eclipse opens a new path, and in this case, to work on something very new, possibly in the digital world, telecommunications, the sciences, or humanities.” Okay!! Doesn’t that sound swell? It also somehow sounds like you’re going to become a modern day Inspector Gadget what with your resume and skills.

The end of the month will be a real spring burrito for you. You’ll be able to pay attention to your partner thanks to a clear mind and hopefully schedule and hopefully also a full heart if we want to bring an overused Friday Night Lights reference into this in a non-traditional way. Can’t really lose with that one in my book.

Venus is in the commitment area of your chart pouring lube everywhere FYI and it’s a good thing so LMK if you get engaged or what!!!


Libra cut the crap I have no time for chit chat: If you’re reading this on February 6th then stop reading and run outside, straight into the arms of the one you love because surprising Uranus (!) is texting Venus late-night style with that sultry “Hey you” and Venus is INTO IT, meaning that you are going to be a hot human commodity who seems to hold a golden lasso and can rope whoever you want right into your heart and I feel like by keeping your eyes on this page for even a minute longer, I am holding you back! “Your level of magnetism will run exceptionally high,” says Suz. Yee-haw!

But just you wait; that’s not all! (Sorry, I have a hard time getting off the phone.) The eclipse of February 15th — a new moon solar eclipse, in fact — will receive “golden beams from Uranus,” so you know what that means. Golden showers bring February flowers of romantic dreams.

Remember: I am but a messenger of the galaxy.

I can tell you, however, that if it’s love you want, sleeping on your couch is not the way to find it. These days are primed for you to go outside and get looking. And if you don’t want to look? Fine! Look in the mirror and fall in love with your beautiful face!


Sting butt, Susan dropped a graph at the top of your summary that I feel I just have to copy/paste to you because it’s a lot, and then we can break it down:

“This will be a big, critical point in 2018 for you. The eclipses are cutting across your most public and private areas of your chart, so as February opens, you will still be thinking about the full moon lunar eclipse of January 31 that crystalized your career progress. If things have not been going well, you may be tempted to leave your job now, but if feedback from higher ups indicates that you have been doing well, you may get a surprise promotion or exciting offer from a competitor. Uranus will be unusually friendly, so career news that comes out of the blue may thrill you.”

It’s going to be a surprising month, but all of it good stuff. I/we (Susan and me, even though really, it’s Susan and I) promise. Start by snuggling into your home. Create a cocoon to cuddle into should the outside stuff get crazy. If you need a roommate, look now.

Venus is going to help you attract love. It’s in Pisces, which will help you absorb that love like a sponge. Susan thinks you’ll be like catnip to others and calls this your “Emerald year,” which sounds like a great book I’d like to read about one woman’s journey to Ireland or Colombia to find herself. On February 21st, Venus seems to think that this weekday night will be filled with “perfume, candlelight, and soft whispers.” Sounds like an orgy or an ASMR party. Either way, I’m there!


Good lord Sagittarius, to answer Chandler Bing’s insufferable rhetorical question, No, your horoscope literally could not be any longer.  But you’ve been busy. I get it. Lots to cram in there. Allow me to shorten it here.

We just had an eclipse, but the one to focus on is that of February 15th. The days that follow will be busy AF so get organized now, as best you can, and make those phone calls you’ve been dreading. They’ll only get more annoying so cross them off your list.

The reason for all this busyness is your Success Star is rising, sweet baby angel friend. You’re going to get some sort of career promotion or recognition, and on top of that, you will have FULL CONTROL of situations, Susan says, which is amazing. When’s the last time you’ve felt totally 10-and-2 with your hands on the life wheel? I’ve more or less been driving blind with my knees.

Love’s in the air — aw! — “in a month that seems to be tailor-made for you.” If you’re brewing children like Leandra is then now’s the time to marvel in the love that is your human stew. Is that gross or cute I can’t tell I’m writing too fast. If you’re single and don’t want to be, you won’t be for long. If you’re romanced, prepare for the spark to tickle your funny bone. If you’re single and loving it, love on yourself. Tis the season! You know the planets are all for vibrations!


Hello Sea Goat! How have we never talked about you being part mermaid before? I’d love to do it more. Also, it’s eclipse season! The eclipse on the 31st was pretty boring other than the fact that it lit your eighth house of other people’s money, which sounds like an inheritance to me and a reason to party! Hey-o! (It also might mean you’re investing your own money. Here’s hoping you make millions on cryptocurrency bb-g.)

The money theme will continue through the second eclipse on February 15th, and thanks to Uranus, planet of butts and surprises, you’re poised to win the lotto or something like it. You also might be surprised with a raise or a fancy new job offer.

Toward the month’s end, after you’ve been busy rolling around in all that greenery, you’re well-poised to set yourself up on an interesting life goal where you’ll set out to complete something you’ve always wanted to. That’s pretty cool. “Whatever goal you choose for you, it will be something that will allow you to grow and learn,” says Susan Thriller. “You will yearn to set up a foundation to your life, and Saturn will help you do just that.” Call me when you figure it out. I just changed my ringback tone and am dying for someone to try it out!!!

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond is a writer, creative consultant, and Man Repeller alumnus living in New York City.

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