The Planets Wrote Your January Horoscope, All I Did Was Translate

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej

Happy New Year and holy Oprah! I just realized that part of what I love about Astrology Zone’s Susan Miller is that she speaks like a fourth “Mrs.” (there are three: Who, Whatsit, Which) in A Wrinkle in Time. For example, Mrs. Miller equated some celestial good fortune thing (I can’t even remember) to that of a joyful cup of hot cocoa. And then, to some sign who she imagined was asking, “Whyyyyyyyy” to a bit of life-related bull crap caused by the January 31st eclipse, she said this:

“The universe wants us to live a happy, productive life, and will not abide stagnation, so the universe sends an eclipse to test the strength of relationships and situations and to shake the status quo.”

I liked that.

She is also, Bob (the Builder) bless her, a bit long-winded. And no shit!* It takes an awful lot of words to pack a month’s worth of your life into a single horoscope seeing as it’s based on all the wackadoo planets and their various dramas.

But you’re busy! Who has time to read astrological novels? And speaking of the aforementioned shit, Uranus is both being one and doing some, I’m sure. Who wants to read about that? (Though I promise that when it comes to Uranus’s shit, you can handle it. At least Mercury’s out of retrograde.) So in an effort to keep January moving at a positive, forward-moving-into-the-new-year-and-your-best-self clip, this round of horoscopes is going to be a little different, themed around THE ONE THING YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO KNOW. There will hopefully be less poop references than there were in this intro (no promises about excessive parenthetical asides) although that has nothing to do with keeping the mystery alive and everything to do with my your tolerance of my humor.

And with that, en garde! Strap on your ice skates and let’s get started!


What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t decorate your proverbial locker right here in Horoscope Hall and proclaim to you, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!”

With that settled and out of the way, hello Capricorn nuts (great snack)! Susan Thriller says that “this will be an extraordinary month for you. Heavenly bodies are migrating to your sign at a scale you’ve never seen, including the Sun, new moon, Venus, Mercury, Saturn, and Pluto in Capricorn on January 16.” Per her, “this is your chance to get your way.” Or the HIGHWAY! Am I right? But what’s so bad about a highway, anyway?

Hit it, Tom Cochrane!

Assuming you don’t consider this the “sitting in traffic” equivalent of celestial predictions, you’ll be focused on your home next month and for years to come, apparently. That sounds awfully cozy to me.

January 6th and 8th are great days for friendship so tell everyone to text you then. Keep yourself unplugged until then. When it comes to charm, I’m pretty sure I just saw a toothpaste ad-quality sparkle beam off your tooth, because from now until the 17th you’re dazzling the pants off everyone. Your shine’s so sparkly I heard them calling you a Liberace jumpsuit from a mile away. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some keys(board) to tickle.


Fresh water Aquarius, I hear from my frood friend Frusan that you need a little vacation after your vacation! If you don’t know where to start, do what I just did: remove the first letter of words then add an “fr” to frem (see? “frem” instead of “them”) — for literally no reason. Do that in your work emails and see if anyone understands what you’re talking about. They won’t, and I typically don’t, so it’s kind of like being alone on a relaxing deserted island, until someone gets annoyed with you, I guess.

If confusing everyone is not your thing and you hate seeing the angry red squiggle of your computer’s inner editor shouting, “THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A WORD!!! STOP PUTTING ‘FR’ IN FRONT OF WORDS UNNECESSARILY,” then just try taking it easy until the new moon on January 16th, “when most of the solar system will be grouped in your twelfth house of solitude and reflection.” I.e. you won’t miss out on the party if you put your feet up for a bit and stay in. It’s too cold out there anyways.

Even though you’re chilling, now’s a wonderful time for your career, especially when it comes to new job stuff. Keep your ear hopes open around the 5th. Susan said the 6th too but that’s a weekend so byeeeeee.

Overall, this is bound to be a year of excitement, change, and growth. Susan said that. She baked those words like cookies made with love. I just put the oven mitt on and took them out of the oven.


My favorite fish sticks! If you couldn’t relax in December, well guess the hell what? Now you can. January has you primed for straight chilling. (Join an Aquarius under the sea: they too have their feet up.) And please do chill all you want, but don’t forget your reflexes because–

Suz Mail coming in hot! “January 16 finds more than half the solar system circulating in your eleventh house of friendship and fun events, thanks to the arrival of the Sun, new moon, Venus, Mercury, Saturn, and Pluto, all in Capricorn. This configuration will bring new friends, invitations to groups, and happy experiences with friends, and for you, this will be the case.”

Okay! So it’s going to be all about the friendship for you this month, to which you may say, “I love my friends, but they do not help me relax. They are party animals.” That’s why it gets cold in the winter, silly fish! Do you forget because you live in the ocean? (So cool, by the way.) Mammals hibernate in the winter, especially humans! Encourage your friends to join you in a furry-leg filled rendition of how much cookie dough can we eat without getting so sick that we don’t want to eat the pizza we just ordered. Let me know if I can come.

Something else you might like to know before I pack a bag and head over is that, “Mars will tour your tenth house of honors, awards, and achievement from January 26 until March 17.” That means that if you were even beginning to think about feeling work-guilty about relaxing, now you have no excuse not to say, “You know what, I rule, and I deserve this nap.”


First of all, Aries, in the name of a new year and therefore potentially a new monogram (why not!) I’d like to run some new nicknames by you and let all Aries vote in the comments. Do you like…

A) Aries David, like Larry David, but more Ram-like.

B) ArieZona Iced Tea, stylized as such to keep in line with the tall boy can choice of my youth — a harrowing stylistic decision given that I was unsure if it was more responsible to add the Aries’ standard ‘S’ before the AriZona Z (but I stand by it).

C) Faries, instead of fairies. A little less fun but it makes me think of FernGully, which I do only every so often, when looking for mullet inspiration.

Anyway, let me know in the comments below. All of this was a lead-up to tell you that sometimes, when it comes to horoscopes, I truly believe (though you wouldn’t know it) that less is more, which is why, Aries, by January 6, you will be a “virtual money magnet,” per Susan Miller, and you’ll reach “a major development in your romantic relationship.” If that doesn’t hint toward a similar vein as the Markles’ recent engagement photos and sound like a good time and a bottle of wine, then I don’t know what does.


Thanks for getting the door, Taur! This month, I have to tell you, is all about travel for us. Just a whole butt and bucketload of travel! When I read this I was like, listen Susan, I traveled on January 1st as you said I would (which, no offense, wasn’t exactly the most revelatory prediction of the year given that a lot of people traveled on this date what with the holiday and all), but I have no other travel planned.

And then I thought to myself, wait a minute, I did not grow up watching Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood for nothing, and I can travel using my imagination to do all sorts of things like draw or write or be more creative or check out what kind of bedspread my neighbors may or may not be using. I can time travel a la the tesseract if I truly needed. (Put me out of my misery, please, and just let me have a private showing of A Wrinkle in Time, Ava, I beg of you!!! Are you still reading? Who am I and in what century are we partying?) I can also very well travel to and from all sorts of local destinations. This weekend, for example, I’d love nothing more than to travel the entire circumference of my couch.

So anyway, if you have trips of any kind, I’d love to know about them.

Something else to know about our sign because that wasn’t much (blame the planets!!!), is that Mars and Jupiter are doing the horizontal dance in Scorpio, our house of marriage this month, which they have not done since August 9th, 1982 — and I wasn’t born yet. So get ready to take that metaphorically or literally and run with it. A partner* will come in handy toward the middle of the month (January 16th) when Susan says something’s going to try to come out of NOWHERE and fuck shit up (blame Uranus, who I know I said I wouldn’t talk about and am done with after this sentence) but she is confident we can blast through whatever’s ahead so long as we think calmly (hahahahah I don’t do that!), act methodically and react swiftly. But that partner, remember? They’ll be your saving grace.



Gemini. I can’t lie to you. Things have taken a turn for the strange this round of horoscopes. What started out as an idea to offer up the ONE THING each sign needed to know turned into a whirlwinded fury of subconscious blathering-ons and I just am not too sure if any signs know what the hell is going on, but they’re all sure as hell going to try to make it work. Is that not a true and sort of beautiful metaphor for our human existence, or by George, did I do it again and lose my mind in the jungle? Let’s conduct a poll, shall we? That’s the only real productive thing I’ve managed to accomplish.

When it comes to Repell-o Scopes, do you read them to:

A) Pass the time while getting a wax

B) Actually want to know how to predict your month ahead

C) Have a solid example of what NOT to do with your journalism degree

or D) Waffles

If you chose D, here’s some maple syrup: on January 8th, Jupiter will send a “shimmering signal to the Sun on January 8,” which is a brilliant day to schedule meetings and set up times to talk with VIPs, or anyone who you need to really listen to you, to your ideas, to your greatest existential being. If that meeting was good but not “WOW-IE!,” no worries, January 10th bring even more support from the higher-ups you need to move along your next area of ladder climbing. Susan encourages that you use this time to negotiate and keep negotiating.

“That entire week, from January 6 to 9 will be special for you,” she says, even though the 6th is a weekend and she keeps forgetting this, “but you must make an effort to negotiate finances and make decisions about them.” Apparently tension about money, if you’re feeling any, will let the hell up by the 19th. After that, you’ll turn to travel. Apparently I’m going to be aboard Steve Zissou’s underwater vessel all month so join me, won’t you?


Crunchy lovely orange crabs!!! I thought of you the whole time I was home in San Francisco because I brought my man friend who was visiting various tourist destinations and I forgot just how interwoven the theme of the CRAB is into the city. It’s like Maine’s lobster, but not, because it’s the San Francisco crab. (Btw I’m looking at the California bear as we speak — my mom got me a pillow with the bear on it — and the bear seems on board. We’re all friends here!)

Let’s talk ‘scope because my fingers are going numb: A lot of your January horoscope revolved around career and money. All good things because I say so! But!!! You’re positioned to enter a highly romantic period, too, and right now that just feels more festive to type about.

Susan writes, “If you feel the energies of the month in a more romantic way, you may get engaged or married, especially at some point during the first seven days of January (which may have started December 30 or 31, too). A golden triangle will appear in the sky at that time, formed by several heavenly bodies, specifically the moon in Cancer (you), Mars and Jupiter (true love and romance), and Neptune (sumptuous long distance travel). Additionally, in the first ten days of January, your crowd of planets will receive shimmering vibrations from Neptune (inspiration), Jupiter (happiness), and Mars (energy).” It was just a lot which is why I had to copy/paste it. Also, I refuse to pass up an opportunity to read someone else’s words about “shimmering vibrations.”

Anyway, please remember that everything is a metaphor when it comes to horoscopes and “engaged” or “married” can mean whatever you want it to, in whatever field you want it to. For example, I may become “engaged” to a BLT in about four seconds, and I feel like I’m about to get “married” to my couch the moment the clock strikes weekend.

Oh and enjoy all the money you’re due to make at the end of the month!


Oh you big beautiful cat! Let me comb your mane with my fingers. I just told Virgo down below that I forgot to watch Love, Actually over the holidays. I weirdly watched barely any holiday movies, come to think of it, which makes me sad because I have a pretty strong policy against post-December holiday movie-watching…but if there’s a snowstorm, fuck it, I’ll slip in Family Stone and you can’t stop me! Also, when it comes to holiday movies off-season, am I the only other person who loves Dan in Real Life and doesn’t know where it belongs on the calendar? It’s not a SUPREMELY holiday-ish movie, but it’s also not not one either. Sigh. Anyway, the movie I did watch over the holidays that was slightly holiday-thematic is The Chronicles of Narnia! 

You know, I love this music video^ but have always felt that this is a rather active Sunday. Like they go from the West Village to the Upper West Side for a movie? That is a lot of schlepping, mostly because it involves a commitment to being somewhere on time. Kinda gives me Sunday anxiety.

I forgot my point. OH FOUND IT! The lion thing made me think of Chronicles of Narnia, hence the detour, and now we’re here:

Your one thing to know this January round of horoscopes is that January will be a “strenuous month at work,” (Susan said but I know you can handle this!) “so find frequent ways to treat your body, mind, and spirit with care.” Roll your Lion sleeves up, crack your knuckles, get down with the get down toward your road of success and then later that night, have a DIY spa. Ahhh.

Your biggest day of the whole MONTH, just as a heads up, is January 31st. It will bring about a big ol’ conclusion on something major in your life you’ve been working on. Don’t you just love giant bows that wrap things up?


Virgo I have a quick poll to run by you, which Virgo-name-pun would have been more funny had I not just felt the need to run it by you?

Would it have been:

A) Virgo-go Power Rangers!

B) Virgo who can’t drive (an homage, of course, to Clueless)

or C) Virgo Mobile/Virgo Airlines

I want to say A or B, feel like I dropped the joke ball on C and more than anything need you Virgos to know that unfortunately, you will probably hear D, all of the above, in the future. As for your great horoscope that is the OPPOSITE of unfortunate, you can kind of just chill a bit and eat pineapples or whatever it is you do in your recreational time until the new moon of January 16th, because on that date, your fifth house of true love is going to be lit ALL THE WAY UP!

Here’s your one thing to know about your sign this month: “With an extraordinary number of heavenly bodies filling this area of your chart,” writes Susan, who should definitely have a cameo in A Wrinkle in Time, I am now convinced, “including the Sun, new moon, Venus, Mercury, Saturn, and Pluto – if single, you will be open to meeting new people. Virgo rarely has unrealistic expectations, especially in matters of the heart, and that will put you in a good position to decide which persons you’d like to meet and know better, as well as which persons to pass up.” If you’re not single, well then get ready to get all Vir-goo-goo eyes at your loved one! Nothing says devotion like staring straight into your loved one’s pores. IT IS A MONTH OF ROMANCE!!! The whole month. All of it. I may have just decided this but don’t I get a say? It’s your life so you certainly do.

January 6th is a good day to start a project and the 31st is going to be extraordinarily relaxing, where love is not concerned. Even though “love, actually … is all around.” Or however that movie goes. I forgot to watch it in December!!!


Liberace, I hope you can forgive me for making a Liberace joke in another sign, I know that’s usually our thing but I was referencing a glitter jumpsuit or some such nonsense.

Let’s focus, because I promised we’d streamline these ‘scopes this month and if we’re being honest (we always are, aren’t we) I haven’t done the best job streamlining it. I’ve been rambling — realllll rambling man, as they say.

Lotta money for you this month, especially close to January 6th, when “Jupiter, giver of gifts and luck, will conjunct Mars.” (Hi Suz quote!) “This is a rare aspect, for these two Titans of the planetary lineup only happen once every two years, but when they do, the always meet in a different sign. This year these luminaries will meet in your second house of earned income, so you will have the money for any life transitions you might be planning. Take this aspect seriously – it won’t come again until November 24, 2053.”

What the hell is in 2053! What kind of sneakers will you be wearing? WHO WILL BE PRESIDENT? Who’s to say, but let’s pray for great things and until then, enjoy your piles of money. Part of me wants to say spend them wisely but the other part of me is like, “I’m hungry!”

(Okay fine, sure: Susan gives one slight heads-up that come January 16th, you will be happy you have an extra cushion for the pushin’ because you’ll want to spend some cash on your home. She suspects you’re making changes in your “living situation.” Should we talk shelves? Should we talk apartments at large?

One more thing! This month, LOVE IS IN THE AIR AND IT SMELLS LIKE BABY GOATS IN PAJAMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Scorpio I hope your pinchy claws can hold umbrellas because you’re going to need to take cover come January 6th: whole lotta MONEY is about to rain down!!!

$$$$$ YAYYYYY $$$$$$$$$$$$$

Mars is in your sign until January 26th, which means at work, it’s time for you to take the lead. People already listen to you, per Suz, but boy oh boy is the floor ever yours and are people watching you! It means that now is your time to shine. Would you like some wine with that cheese?

I was just in Napa and can barely tell you anything about my opinion on which wine selection to choose today, if you were about to ask me. The one that doesn’t taste like vinegar that I just found in my fridge? For real: how long can you drink a bottle of wine after you open it and put the cork back in? How do you know if it “tastes a little funky,” or if it’s straight up poison? Can you cook with bad wine like you can make banana bread with old bananas? All ears in the comments down below.

Actually no! I am not drunk today, thank you for asking!

But, er, what I think I keep attempting to get at is that a lot of your money may come from approved proposals and such because of that floor being yours, and you taking advantage of it. Catch my drift? And you’re scheduled to get an award at the end of the month. That sounds grand. You deserve it. I’ll hang it on my fridge if yours isn’t magnetic!


Hoorrayyyy half-horsed and behooved friend of mine! If you’ve been working on a big idea, perhaps one that lives behind your gut or within your brain space or within the confines of your computer — wherever — then this is the month for it to begin to see the light of day! “Mars will allow you to push your idea or project out in the open for all to see when it moves into Sagittarius on January 26 to stay until March 17,” writes Thriller.

But I think she uses a key grouping of words there: “Mars will allow you to push your idea,” meaning Mars has its hands out like, “Alright fuckers! Stand back and make way for brilliance!” so that you can charge through like the four-legged cool creature that you are and really make some progress. Fight for your right to party and succeed! It’s all up to you though — that’s what I’m getting at. Sleep now, rest now, so that you’ve got a fire (the safe kind) lit under your butt when it comes time to make moves.

“This will be the most important part of the year for you to push through your biggest ideas,” Susan continues, and I keep quoting her because I’ve lost my damn mind and I like what she has to say today. “You will have the podium, the spotlight, and the microphone; and influential people will sit up and take notice of all you have to say. VIPs will be impressed with your courage, energy, and drive, and will be drawn to want to help you reach your goals. This is no time to be shy or to think on a small scale. You only get Mars every two years in your own sign, and once you have it, as you will starting on January 26, you must use it.”

USE IT ALL, CELESTIAL NEIGH-BOR. I’ll be over here with my chin in my hands, ready to text you a bundle of confetti when you say, “I did it!”

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond

Amelia Diamond is a writer, creative consultant, and Man Repeller alumnus living in New York City.

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