HOLY SHIT WHAT IS UP I AM SO STOKED YOU’RE ALIVE! It has been exactly nine days since September started, which means you’ve trudged along for over a week without the guidance of your horoscopes while Mercury was in retrograde and eclipse numero uno happened. It’s also almost one-hundo-p my bad: Susan Miller had her Astrology Zone ‘scopes up right on time give or take a few, plus an Augustian switch-and-bait. But I knew you’d be okay. THIS MONTH RULES. Besides, here we are and here you are, so let’s get down to brass tacks and test if you even read the horoscope intro by seeing whether or not you can tell me in the comments what I should have for lunch today. Because that is literally the only thing Susan did not guide us through this month. En garde!
Virgo
You’re a Virgo who can’t drive but so what because it’s your birthday. Happy birthday! We’ve got a lot to cover in a short span of time so I’ll probably ignore the boring stuff if you don’t mind. Two eclipses this month: one happened already on the 1st which may have given you a bit of a rocket boost and/or shined some Lion King light over all that you’ve achieved in this past year so that you can finally appreciate it for once; the second will occur on September 16th. Hold that thought for a sec because don’t be fooled: Mercury is still in retrograde until the 22nd which is causing your life to feel super messy. Try to make zero decisions until that planet gets its shit together, if you can.
(Susan gets all ominous by saying that the second eclipse on the 16th is going to fire up your house of commitment and partnerships and apparently what happens during an eclipse LOCKS IT DOWN during an eclipse and any decisions you make are hard to reverse.)
If it’s a life or death or job situation, you know. Be sane about all of this…
B O R I N G — BRING OUT THE CAKE!
Let’s talk about your lucky days, September 25th and 26th, when Jupiter is conjuncting the sun, which is like planet sex, and we know that planet sex is like rabbit sex in that a million babies shoot out after and in this case the babies are all good vibes. Speaking of sex, on the 27th you’re going to fall into “a bewitching period for love” (no pressure but it lasts until November 8th) and on the new moon of September 30th, ask for a raise. Lean-in Autumn is here!
Libra
Cheer up, emo kid. LIFE JUST GOT SO GREAT!!! Jupiter — the happiest planet in the universe that somehow doesn’t annoy you in the morning even though it’s way too cheery and doesn’t make you want to punch it in the teeth even though it’s always smiling — is coming to stay with you and your sign starting September 9th…which is today! Jupiter is a great house guest. It makes breakfast and cleans up after itself, knows when to give you alone time (like if you have a “friend” over, which you might!) and then it sends you flowers you’re not allergic to exactly one day post-departure as a very thoughtful thank you. And if it breaks a wine glass or eats your food, it apologizes and reimburses you in a dramatically unnecessary way!
To make room for Jupiter you gotta clear out the bad stuff. Do whatever that means for you, but do it with force, vigor and apple cider vinegar.
If you’re single and don’t want to be, you won’t be for long. By all means download apps, but can I offer up my own advice? Sign up for three activities right now that you always say you want to sign up for, then actually go and see what happens. It’s still nice out and people are in such great moods and everyone has their summer glow. Save the swiping for the dregs of February when you’re really just doing it as your sole form of exercise, you know?
September 25th and 26th are the luckiest days of the year for everyone. The full moon on September 30th is pretty spectacular by way of luck and planetary assistance, too. (Susan said it hasn’t been this good in over 10 years and she’s been doing this forever, so that’s saying something.) Use these days to get exactly what you want for every facet of your life — a job, a book deal, a sandwich, a raise, the list goes on if you let it. And if you need an excuse to push off the meetings that might set these things in motion, use my favorite excuse in the Berger-Post-It-Breakup-Cadence until the 22nd: I’m sorry. I can’t. Mercury is in retrograde.
Scorpio
Hey Scorps! Hmmm…so, not uncommon (omg did I just scare you like when the doctor is looking deep into your various caverns and then accidentally says “hmmm” out loud? Does one even say “hmmm” or does one conjure it from his or her evil subconscious in order to freak out another human? Sorry!) but it looks like August was a working month for you. A real pain in the ass. Maybe that’s why you were at the doctor’s and I had to use the word cavern. But this is not about Uranus!
It’s about Mercury and Jupiter in Virgo conspiring to not only make September your best month ever, but to make it highly social, fun and full of bacchanalia as opposed to academic, corporate or spread-shitty. Skrrrt: I know that you love yourself some alone time, so remember that you can be social with yourself, too. When’s the last time you hung out with you? All she/I mean is: no more 9 p.m. desk sushi. In to work, out of work, no lingering about for a document. Oddly, Susan says some contradictory stuff later about how your social life is “costing you” this month (OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY SUZ I DON’T MEAN IT!) so just make sure that you’re not irresponsible about the partying if you do get in the mood for it. Happens to the best of us when alcohol and cheese fries are involved.
The 26th and the 27th are going to be great days for all, but here’s what Susan predicts specifically for you: “The meeting of the Sun and Jupiter on September 26 will likely bring a professional breakthrough that makes you so gleeful, you’ll be dancing on the tables.” Okay, so see what I mean about alcohol and cheese fries? September 30th will only further your career-related luck.
And one more word about Mercury in retrograde: remember that it’s not all bad even though I’m acting like Claire Danes in Homeland and being very dramatic about it. If you run into someone from your past right now, there might be a reason. If they don’t throw up red flags, let them in. And if they do, throw up on them.
Sagittarius
If you have not only been feeling like a slug but also burping up slugs ~* SPOILER ALERT, KIND OF*~ like certain people in Stranger Things (whoa, hello disgusting thought continuation from the horoscope above you!) for the past year — and let’s say these slugs are metaphors for your career and your energy and your ideas, well THANK THE GOOD NEW MOON AND THE TWO ECLIPSES BECAUSE THEY ARE KICKING YOUR SLUGS’ ASSES INTO HIGH GEAR.
Keep all of that in the back of your mind if you still feel like your momentum is trapped in molasses because remember that we’re still in the thick of a Mercury Retrograde which is no doubt ruining your life in other ways. The BS ends on the 22nd and by October 15th you’ll feel back to normal. This is so boring. You know when you literally bore yourself mid-story but feel like you have to tell it anyway because you started and you’re a Sagittarius, not a quitter? Here’s what you care about (which really means here’s what I care about and I’m projecting):
Money will start to come in around the second eclipse on the 16th, including a trickle in from projects you’ve been waiting on. When it comes to love, you’re either going to fall into it or grow in it. You’ll be luckiest on the 25th and 26th so now’s your chance to join a Leprechaun Club. Come the 27th, all the planets will basically be asking, “WHAT DO YOU WANT” like Noah Calhoun from The Notebook but with less aggression, more tenderness and more ways to make it happen for you.
The 30th is great too, sorry for the novel and I hope you learned something.
Capricorn
First of all, get out of town. Not because you said something shocking or because I don’t want you here, but because Susan wants you to travel close to the time of the first eclipse (we have two this month and one just happened when September shot out of the gate — second one’s on the 16th and we may or may not talk about it depending on how fed up I get with finger typing). If you can’t travel because you have school or work or something, that’s totally fine and if you wanted to get deep I could make up a whole thing about how your mind or eye can travel separate from your body, but also, no one argues with the word diarrhea. Say you have it for the month and your boss will say no more. Tell them you can spell it without referencing Google and they’ll give you a raise. I forgot to tell you about all of this: the point of the travel is to trigger a bunch of sure-to-come new beginnings.
Travel sort of permeates your whole month. The difference is that on the 16th — the second eclipse — you’re set to travel again but this time a bit closer to home. (Again: Travel with your brain, your eyes, your telekinesis mind games that allow you to transcend all of this time and space crap.) Also, this round of travel will signal the end of things. Bring your ribbon jar that you never got rid of after the trend died in your hometown and get ready to tie up all the annoying shit that’s been flapping in the wind into neat little horoscope bows.
Speaking of wrapping it up... (Yes I’m in your brain.)
Jupiter in Libra is lighting up your house of tenth honors and achievements. You’re crazy well-positioned for raises and accolades and major career upgrades. The luckiest days of the year are the 25th and 26th, so strategize the scheduling of all meetings with people who you need to say yes, including your parents, with those days in mind. And then on the 30th, two words: Prestige Worldwide. (IDK what I mean by that but it’s all good things.)
Aquarius
I HAVE SAVED THIS FOR RIGHT NOW JUST IN CASE ANY OF THE SIGNS DOWN BELOW ARE TRYING TO SNEAK OUT OF THIS PARTY EARLY:
It’s eclipse time, baby. Ohh yeah.
What does that mean? Nothing and everything because we’re amid a Mercury in retrograde that ends the 22nd. We had our first eclipse already on September 1st: That’s going to trigger new beginnings. Saturn’s being kind of cranky about this and throwing up some obstacles within these new beginnings, so think of the beginning of September like your Oprah vision board and then once we’re in half #2, you can execute.
We’ve also got Merc retrograde in middle making a Fuck Your Shit Up Salad. Same thing, be patient. It’s over the 22nd and by October you’ll have your life skates on. Life skates are like ice skates minus borrowing a stranger’s shoes.
So what are some good days to know that translate into news you can use?
I think you’re getting a job offer on the 16th. On the 25th and 26th, shake the hand that’s been sticking out to you all month regarding some sort of agreement involving money. You’re going to be productive this month, which is ironic considering how long it will take you to read your full horoscope on Susan’s site, but let me tell you something else: You’ve got romance written all over your sign. Text me how the date goes!
Pisces
Hey goldfish, I just ate a handful of you and then accidentally sat on at least five more (my apologies to your sisters and brothers) which crushed a nice orange powder into my white couch but who cares because I already spilled a Diet Coke all over the same couch cushion.
I am SUPER BORED of talking about the eclipses and I run this rodeo/just told you about your sisters and brothers, not to sound like Tony Soprano or anything. I’ll give you the short version since I can tell you’re mad: There are two, one happened at the start of the month and the other one is happening the 16th. Eclipses mean change — new beginnings, new ends — and leave a lot of room for interpretation. We also have Mercury in retrograde, which is going to make everything feel backwards in addition to breaking your iPhone 100 different ways, but I think it’s going to numb the changes until it goes back to normal on the 22nd. Then we have Saturn and Mars in your career house which apparently is complicating all of that, but take comfort in knowing that Susan predicts it’s all going to work out. And truly, she doesn’t predict stuff a lot…
UHHH on the 16th you’re for sure going to DTR with someone. Prep your brain for that conversation but don’t get weird because A) what is meant to be will be, might as well come to a head now and B) it will go in your favor. Lotta good stuff coming your way with this eclipse numero dos.
Love is lovely until the end of the month (and it’s especially sexy from the 27th until NOVEMBER 9th — hi!). Also, not that your life is about the male, female, or anyone who isn’t you gaze, but Susan Miller loves an old school compliment and guess what she said? Come the end of the month you’re gonna be turning hella heads.
She said hella! She didn’t. I’m lying. I just don’t want to start Aries.
Aries
OH HEY ARIES!!! I was totally just talking about another Aries up there lol. You don’t know her. Let’s talk about you!!
It’s Bonnie Tyler season, which means we’ve got not ONE but TWO total eclipses of the heart and other things in the sky (like the full moon on the 1st and the 16th). The first one affects work and health (sounds like you should take a *sick* day and play little last-summer-hurrah hooky?). The second one’s also health-related so get a wart removed or something. It’s your life and that wart’s just living in it. There’s also the whole issue of Mercury still retrograding like a wallowing friend of yours who won’t shut up about a breakup and is bringing everyone down with her — especially at the bar. But I have more or less been doing the same thing for at least FIVE of these horoscopes and if you’re one of the psychopathic ten who read all of these top to bottom then good lord holy Jesus how are you still breathing? So let’s give the people what they want, shall we?
The people want love! AND YOU SHALL HAVE IT! Jupiter’s in your solar seventh house of commitment from the 9th until October TWO-THOUSAND-AND-SEVENTEEN. That is longer than a year if you do math good. This means that if you’re single and whining about it you may no longer have anything to talk about over drinks with people you don’t know what else to talk about with. Although you can always talk about a new relationship. And if you’re taken then you can deepen your love in ways that involve sitting cross-legged and crossed-eyed and whatever you have to do to take it to the next level in the next bedroom next door.
Venus is hooking up the hookup too and she’s thinking about marriage BUT REMEMBER!!! The word marriage doesn’t have to be used in such limiting terms when it comes to horoscopes. You can start a marriage with absolutely anything that’s important to you (work in a non-obsessive way, art, a new hobby, a platonic partnership, a lampshade if you ever watch TLC).
As for anything else you should know: September 25th and 26th are the best days ever for every sign so don’t feel too special but also don’t not, and the 30th is the cherry on your Cool Month pudding.
Taurus
Hi. This month I have never been more proud to call myself a correspondent of Susan Miller’s planetary brain because she began our horoscope…in the voice…of STEFAN.
“September has everything – two eclipses, September 1 and 16, a gorgeous new moon September 30 (one of the sweetest of the year), and the move of Jupiter to a completely new sign it’s not been in since autumn 2004 through autumn 2005. Also add in Mercury retrograde August 30 to September 22, and to top it off, the luckiest day of the year will arrive this month in the last week.” Granted, she didn’t mention a single abandoned baby elephant in an alleyway, but maybe they’re in Leandra’s uterus!!!
Anywho, what’s happening for you guys? Let me tell you what’s happening for you (us) guys:
For one thing, we’re not getting into eclipse or retrograde details because honestly I have had it and if you need to read about them in direct correlation to our sign, please visit www dot susanmiller dot com. It’s just too much and I have too many other things to say.
LIKE NUMBER ONE: LOVE. This is probably the seventh month that Susan Miller said it’s going to happen, not to mention the psychic that I saw at my friend’s bachelorette party who told me I was literally five months out from meeting The One — which, if you can imagine, puts so much pressure on the entire male species because when I meet anyone who even might have a peen I’m like how are you what’s up tell me about your parenting style.
My tailor has forbidden me from coming to see him until I get over this.
Anyway I’m a romantic this is probably the month.
And if it is not? LITERALLY who cares. We have a lot of other things to talk about like our career — Susan says this month is the most creative we’ll have felt in ages, and everyone knows creativity translates to money, our health because it’s always important and when’s the last time you saw a doctor (or a gym considering that everyone stops going to the gym in June, right? Team pact to get back on it) — anyway, now’s the time to work on it/watch it soar/do you think we should take parkour lessons together? And, oddly, travel. She wants us to travel at the end of the month which I haven’t planned but I never say no to a burrata festival, do you?
Of course you don’t. You’re a Taurus, too.
Gemini
Sooooo. About halfway through these horoscopes, because I was Kevin FED-erline the fuck up with writing the same thing over and over, I sort of glazed over the whole thing about Mercury in retrograde — like yeah yeah the planet is giving you the illusion of spinning backwards even though it’s not really spinning backwards and yet the planet’s gravitational force is so strong that the mere ILLUSION of it doing something bonkers is causing us to drop our phones in toilets, run into our exes and suddenly forget how to work the remote control at least 100 times more than usual. But it’s even crazier for you, Geminis, because Mercury is your RULING PLANET.
So I ask you: When Mercury’s retrograding, does it feel like the first half of Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead when everything’s a total mess? Or does it feel like the second half AKA you bought the red power suit and you’ve got it on lock?
Genuinely curious. Like I am not Susan Miller despite what you may think at this point so I’d love to know. But what Susan did say is that this month is going to absolutely rule for you regardless of sneaky Mercury, so something tells me that yeah, you did buy the red power suit. Who cares with what card.
Anywhoons! This is a month that will be ideal for a whole damn slew of things and also, I keep getting interrupted while writing this so I don’t know what I’m even saying anymore. It’s a good time for you to redecorate no matter what your roommate says, enjoy your flourishing career (just wait until the 16th), find true love and/or high five your current lover until uhhh like, October 2017 (so no rush) and then sing “Oh Happy Day” for your lucky days where you can do literally whatever you want on September 25th, 26th and — drum roll please: the 30th — because the stars are aligned! #WHATRETROGRADE
Bless you if you read all that.
Cancer
LET ME THROW MY HANDS UP IN THANKS. FOR ONCE IN THIS WHOLE SLEW OF SCOPES, I HAVE SOMETHING NEW TO SAY TODAY.
First, boom: Susan Thriller says that if you have a book idea or a script written or a vision in your brain that needs to come out — anything of that nature, the eclipse has lit your third house of communications the fuqqq up. What if you write the next Stranger Things? I know, it’s my only pop culture reference right now. But you know the drill, right? No planet is going to take your fingers and make them start typing. You have to do the thing you keep telling yourself that you’re finally going to do. (Tomorrow! You promise!) What the planets will do is give you that push you need.
Next up, we have the second eclipse on the 16th that primes you for travel. Don’t have any plans? Make them. It’s like baking but without the carbs or so I’ve been told. Besides, it will extend summer. Fall weekends count too, you know.
Okay I think that’s a good-enough transition for us to talk to you about your crabs:
“In this extraordinary month,” writes Susan, “Jupiter is moving to a new sign, one of the biggest news of 2016 as it glides into Libra on September 9 to stay thirteen months…” Still with me? We’re getting there. Not gonna make a lube joke. “Home and family matters will soon begin to shine. The home is the one area the little Cancer crab cares about most, so this coming trend will make you very happy, helping you make your home your happiest place to be.”
Okay. All I’m saying is that “little Cancer crabs care about homes” sounds an awful lot like “crab-crabs/bed bugs love the home AND YOUR PANTS.” No? Just me? Scarred by a recent Sex and the City rerun? You know the one. With Charlotte? Okay. Just keep your eyes on the prize, get checked and be safe — especially if you’re in travel mode!
I think I’ve said enough. But last thing: your lucky days are the same as everyone else’s but equally as bright so use September 25th and 26th to your advantage. Need ONE more day to make real-deal moves? Gotchu. The 30th is a third try to turn that lucky key.
Leo
Here we are. At the end of the world’s longest horoscopes I have ever written. If you start at the top and get all the way down here to the bottom you have essentially read the entirety of War and Peace minus absolutely any literary substance.
Um, I’m sorry: “It appears a completely new source of income is about to come to you, and it will be a more generous amount than you had earned previously.” —> ??? THAT’S COOL.
You can thank September’s new moon, the sun, Jupiter and Mercury for that. They’re breaking it the hell down in your communications department of the stars or something which means that this magic money is going to come less from the sketchy drug run department and more from anything that has to do with writing, editing, word crafting, bird calling or that vague major that your parents gave you shit about but you just had a feeling was the one, or at least better than taking anything involving finance.
Speaking of finance! The second eclipse this month — the one you may or may not have heard by now is taking place on September 16th, I know my poor editor sure has — is going to “accent” your finances. Maybe that means it’s going to sound French, maybe that doesn’t, but I do know that A) Susan wants to make sure you’re smart about investing it and not spending it willy-nilly on freaks named Billy, but also B) it solidifies exactly what I opened your ‘scope with. In case you have amnesia. I sure do after writing these so I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through.
It’s been a journey, hasn’t it? Between you and I.
Speaking of journeys and these segues! You’ve got a lot of travel coming up in the year ahead so Susan thinks you should buy a car…just don’t do it until after Mercury in blahblahblah. But listen! Your love life is directly linked to travel per Suz, especially if we’re talking about that September 23rd date and beyond (which we are). So IDK, maybe you get into hitchhiking or Uber Pool if you can’t buy a car. Maybe you buy a car and drive it as an Uber Pool to make some money! The world gives us what we ask for and I’d like a nap.
No car at all? Not even a little bit so stop talking about it? Fine. Just know that a change is coming to your love life. Susan stressed this. You may not resolve the change until Saturn cuts the shit it’s stirring (which it is, quietly, in one house or another of yours) ONE YEAR LATER in December 2017. That’s a long time, but maybe it’s just enough, you know? “Until then,” writes Susan, “Saturn will tutor you in matters of the heart…so listen up to all that Saturn is showing you, and you’ll be all the wiser for it.”
And there you have it, Lions and Owls. Now what do you guys wanna talk about?
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej. Get your own Anya Hindmarch Virgo zodiac sticker while they’re hot!
